OK, Now Even the Harvard Business Review is Hopping on the Emotional Intelligence Train

August 30, 2017

 

I’ve been doing emotional intelligence work in the construction industry since 2000.  Think back to the year 2000.  What if I came into your office or on your project back then and talked to you about emotional intelligence and how collaboration and trust is really the best way to approach projects?  What would you have said?  You probably would have thrown me out of the office or jobsite trailer.  Now it seems that every single conference I go to from Construction Technology (AGC IT) to Owners (CURT and COAA) to Sustainability to Construction Research (CII) to Lean (LCI), to academia (PACE at Penn State and Auburn), EVERYONE is talking about collaboration, relationships and trust as foundation for great projects.  The research at CII and Penn State and LCI bear this out.  Relationships are drivers of project performance.  And now we are scrambling to find a way to impart these emotional intelligence and people skills to our people because, let’s face it, it’s not our best thing.

I recieved an email from the Harvard Business Review recently.  The title was How to Be Human at Work.  Here is the text:

Introducing the HBR Emotional Intelligence Series, a new line of books that provides smart, essential reading on the human side of professional life. Each book offers proven research showing how our emotions impact our work lives, practical advice for managing difficult people and situations, and inspiring essays on what it means to tend to our emotional well-being at work. This specially priced four-volume set includes Happiness, Resilience, Mindfulness, and Empathy.

You know you have been legitimized when the Harvard Business Review pays attention to it.  You know it is a hot topic.  Click Here for the ad for their emotional intelligence books.

Emotional intelligence first came to the forefront in the 90s.  Why hasn’t it gone away like so many other management fads?  I think it’s because neuroscience is verifying what we intuitively know to be true every single day.  Our emotional states affect our well-being, our problem solving, our creativity, our ability to be in relationship, and our success or failure in life.  Isn’t it about time you took a hard look at this phenomenon?

If you want to take our free Ghyst Emotional Intelligence Test, please Click Here.

If you want more resources on emotional intelligence and all of the critical people skills your folks need to succeed, click here  for information on our Total Leadership Library.

If you want more free information and resources, download my white paper that includes two of my bestselling books and another white paper on how to build the people before you build the project.  It will give you the tools you need to make your next project a huge success!  Click here to download the white paper.  

 

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Miraculous Meditation

January 23, 2017

meditation suit

When I do these leadership programs, the participants always ask me,  what’s the one thing that I could do that would make the biggest difference?  I understand the question.  We are all busy.  We can’t do dozens of things.  We can’t commit to an hour in the gym, seven days a week.  We can’t go on a sabbatical for a month.  So what is that one thing that can make a huge difference?  It’s meditation. We strongly emphasize this in our courses.  In order to create well-being, in order to be productive, in order to tap into that higher power, we must have reflection time each day.  It doesn’t have to be long.  It can be as little as 10 minutes.  But it has to be consistent.  I probably average four to five days a week where I sit down and be quiet and not do any planning or worrying or problem solving.  Peter Senge, author of The Fifth Discipline, says that anyone who is trying to attain personal mastery should practice some form of meditation.

Studies have shown that meditation increases focus and changes physiology.  It reduces cortisol, the stress hormone, and increases DHEA, the “youth” hormone.  It relaxes you.  It increases problem solving.  It increases your energy levels.  Harvard Medical recently found that regular meditation actually changes the expression of genes and lengthens the telomeres.  Shortened telomeres indicate aging.  So it actually reverses the aging process.  So if it does all of these amazing thins, why doesn’t everyone do it?  For some it seems too “new age”.  For some, it seems cult like.  They think that it conflicts with their religious beliefs.  But think of it as just an exercise in concentration.  You can apply your own belief system to these techniques so that you are comfortable with it.

Here is a very simple meditation technique:

Take a deep breath in.  Breathe out and think the number one.  Breathe in again.  Breathe out again.  Think the number two.  Breathe in again.  Breathe out.  Think the number three.  Breathe in a fourth time.  Breathe out and think the number four.  Then start again at one.  Other thoughts will enter your mind.  Politely dismiss them and go back to breathing and counting.  Do this for around 5 to 10 minutes.  Set a timer if you need to.

You will no doubt find this hard at first.  But the more you do it, the more you will be able to focus.  Not only during the meditation, but in all areas of your life and work.  You will be more relaxed, more resilient to stress, and you will have more energy at the end of the day.


Second 10 Rules for a Successful 2017

January 9, 2017

Man changing his mood

As I said last week, I predict that 2017 is going to be an amazing year for all of us.  I received such great response from the first 10 rules, I wanted to share the second 10 most common coaching notes that I give to folks in the AEC industry.  If you follow these rules, I can guarantee that your 2017 will be even more successful.

1.  Make your questions to statements ratio 3:1.  This will help you make the conversation about the other person.

2.  Practice “loving kindness” meditation every day.  This is a Buddhist thing.  For every person you encounter, in your mind, wish them happiness and send them loving kindness, especially those people who are making your life difficult.  You will be amazed at the result.

3.    Truly listen and understand instead of formulating the next thing you are going to say. This takes some practice, but is well worth it. Your relationships will flourish.

4.  Try this compassion exercise.  Think of someone you are having difficulty with, then make these statements with them in mind:  Just like me, this person has known loss.  Just like me, this person wants to be and do his/her best.  Just like me, this person wants to be connected with other human beings.  Just like me, this person has struggles.  Just like me, this person has weaknesses that may hold them back.  Just like me, this person wants the best outcome.  Just like me, this person is a flawed human being.  After this exercise, re-evaluate how you see this person.

5.  Never use logic to try and convince someone to think differently about their emotional response.  This never works.  Never.  Engineers are notorious for this.  You send an owner a change order request and he/she is furious.  So you naturally pull out plans and specs and the contract in order to show them the logic behind your change order request.  And they get more angry!  What’s that about?  You can’t logic your way out of an emotional response.  You have to address the emotion!

6.  Keep an eye on how you breathe.  Your mind goes as your breath goes.  Many of us restrict our breath through stress and tight clothing and use the top 25% to 33% of our lungs.  This reduces oxygenation of the blood and creates “chattering monkey brain” where you can’t turn your mind off.  Throughout your day, remind yourself to take deep, slow breaths and reset.  You will be amazed how your concentration and focus increases and you will feel much better with more energy at the end of the day.

7.  Don’t be afraid to ask.  Whatever it is you want from someone, you must ask if you are to receive it.  Whether it’s a raise, a position, a favor, etc, if you don’t ask, you will never receive it.  Tim Ferris has a great way to practice this.  Next time you get coffee, try to negotiate 10% off the price.

8.  Have a plan A, B, and C.  Plan A may be go to the gym daily.  Plan B may be to go to the gym three times per week.  Plan C may be to walk 10 to 20 minutes each day.  If you are all or nothing, then your progress will be sporadic.  If you did walk that 10 minutes each day, it would be much better than going to the gym for a week straight and doing nothing for the next two months.

9.  Put your phone down.  Our phones are actually addicting.  I mean physically addicting.  Dopamine is released during our phone sessions and oxytocin (the connection hormone) is released during our social media binges.  If you make it a habit to put your phone down and truly connect with others, you will be amazed at how great your life will become.  And don’t ever look at your phone while driving!

10.  Read a book a week.  Or if that’s too much, read a book every two weeks or a book a month.  Read fiction, non-fiction, novels, poetry, whatever you can get your hands on.  Your horizons will be expanded and your knowledge will be increased.  And new ideas and creative approaches come from all of those disparate ideas combining in your mind to form new ideas.  The more stuff floating around in there, the more chance you have of combining them into a new way of thinking or being.

If you want a deeper dive on many of these subjects, check out our Total Leadership Library!  All of our courses on emotional intelligence and critical people skills are now online.  Click here for more information.


Top 10 Rules for a Successful 2017

January 2, 2017

Man changing his mood

I predict that 2017 is going to be an amazing year for all of us.  I wanted to share some of the most common coaching notes that I give to folks in the AEC industry.  If you follow these rules, I can guarantee that your 2017 will be even more successful.

1.  Avoid the use of I, me and my in your conversations.  Minimize your self references.  This forces you to make it all about the other person. Also, make your questions to statements ratio 3:1.  Ask a lot of questions and listen!

2.  Avoid starting questions with the word “why”.  It sounds like an interrogation, and the other person will likely be put on the defensive.  Find a way to ask the same question with the other reporter questions:  what, where, when, how.  And “What the hell were you thinking?” doesn’t count.

3.    Beware of REF (Resting Engineer Face).  The most popular coaching note that I give is to simply smile.  I know it’s tough.  But it puts people at ease and opens them up.  It also reduces your stress.

4.  It’s not about the information.  It’s about making a connection with others.  Instead of a transaction, try to create a positive emotional experience.  Whether it is your spouse, your kids, or the person at the grocery store, this makes your encounters with others much more meaningful. Also note that you cannot logic your way out of an emotional response. Don’t even try.

5.  Try this empathy exercise:  Get rid of the kids for a while, sit your spouse down and ask them to tell you about their day.  You can’t offer any suggestions, comments, or criticisms.  You can’t tell them what they should have done.  All you have to do is listen and try to determine what emotions they were feeling throughout their day.  And that is the only comment you can offer:  “That must have made you feel . . . ”

6.  An old man told me before my wedding a sage piece of advice:  “You can be right or you can be happy.  And the choice is yours.”  Think about this one.  Many folks in the industry have a need to be right and they sacrifice relationships as a result.  Can you let some things go?

7.  Whenever anyone gives you advice or a comment or criticism, just say thanks.  Nothing else.  Just thanks.  Then, think about the advice.  And remember, if you meet ten asses throughout your day, then you are likely the one who is the ass.

8.  Build in personal reflection time EVERY DAY!  This can be prayer time, meditation time, quiet time, vision time or whatever you want to call it.  It doesn’t have to be long, but it should to be consistent.

9.  Lighten up.  Don’t take things so seriously.  This too shall pass.  In the movie Stripes, there is a soldier who tells everyone he will kill them for any minor infraction.  The Sergeant tells him,  “Lighten up, Francis!”

10.  Spend more time with your spouse, kids, and pets.  Check in with them often.  Don’t sacrifice you or your family for work.  Remember, when most people are on your death bed, they rarely if ever say, “Gosh, I wish I could have worked a little more!”

If you want a deeper dive, check out our Total Leadership Library!  All of our courses on emotional intelligence and critical people skills are now online.  Click here for more information.


The Secret of Life: What ONE THING should I focus on?

June 5, 2015

Meditation illustration

“Meditation is a way for nourishing and blossoming the divinity within you.” ― Amit Ray

Take a look at this video from the movie, City Slickers:

When I do these leadership programs, the participants always ask me,  what’s the one thing that I could do that would make the biggest difference?  I understand the question.  We are all busy.  We can’t do dozens of things.  We can’t commit to an hour in the gym, seven days a week.  We can’t go on a sabbatical for a month.  So what is that one thing that can make a huge difference?  It’s meditation. We strongly emphasize this in our courses.  In order to create well-being, in order to be productive, in order to tap into that higher power, we must have reflection time each day.  It doesn’t have to be long.  It can be as little as 10 minutes.  But it has to be consistent.  I probably average four to five days a week where I sit down and be quiet and not do any planning or worrying or problem solving.  Peter Senge, author of The Fifth Discipline, says that anyone who is trying to attain personal mastery should practice some form of meditation.

Studies have shown that meditation increases focus and changes physiology.  It reduces cortisol, the stress hormone, and increases DHEA, the “youth” hormone.  It relaxes you.  It increases problem solving.  It increases your energy levels.  So if it does all of these amazing thins, why doesn’t everyone do it?  For some it seems too “new age”.  For some, it seems cult like.  They think that it conflicts with their religious beliefs.  But think of it as just an exercise in concentration.  You can apply your own belief system to these techniques so that you are comfortable with it.

Harvard Medical School recently completed a study on mediation.  The study published in May in a prestigious medical journal showed that one session of relaxation-response practice was enough to enhance the expression of genes involved in energy metabolism and insulin secretion and reduce expression of genes linked to inflammatory response and stress.  This means that meditation actually helps prevent autoimmune diseases and inflammation that is linked to many diseases.

As if that weren’t cool enough, regular mediation actually lengthens the telomeres on our genes.  These shoelace-like structures shorten with age.  So meditation is a bonafide way to reverse the aging process!

Here is a very simple meditation technique:

Take a deep breath in.  Breathe out and think the number one.  Breathe in again.  Breathe out again.  Think the number two.  Breathe in again.  Breathe out.  Think the number three.  Breathe in a fourth time.  Breathe out and think the number four.  Then start again at one.  Other thoughts will enter your mind.  Politely dismiss them and go back to breathing and counting.  Do this for around 5 to 10 minutes.  Set a timer if you need to.

You will no doubt find this hard at first.  But the more you do it, the more you will be able to focus.  Not only during the meditation, but in all areas of your life and work.  You will be more relaxed and more resilient to stress.

I have created a guided meditation CD that takes you through a progressive relaxation followed by visualizations.  If you are interested, you can contact my Executive Assistant, Casey at casey@brentdarnell.com.  We should have it on the store on brentdarnell.com very soon, but we can find a way to get it to you if you are interested.

You can also check out my book, Stress Management, Time Management, and Life Balance for Tough Guys if you want more information:

http://www.amazon.com/Stress-Management-Time-Balance-Tough/dp/0979925843/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1318936277&sr=8-2

Let me know if you want to learn more about meditation and the various techniques.


Top 10 Tips for Tough Guys for Tremendous Success in Life and Work

April 2, 2015

Angry businessman ready to fight

“You were born with potential. You were born with goodness and trust. You were born with ideals and dreams. You were born with greatness. You were born with wings. You are not meant for crawling, so don’t. You have wings. Learn to use them and fly.” Rumi

 

 

Many of you know about my “Tough Guy” series of books:

Communication and Presentation Skills for Tough Guys

Relationship Skills for Tough Guys:  The 12 Steps to Great Relationships

Stress Management, Time Management, and Life Balance for Tough Guys

And make not mistake.  The term “guy” is gender neutral.  There are plenty of female tough guys out there.

I also have The Tough Guy Survival Kit, which includes all three books.

These books were written especially for all of those tough guys out there.  I work mainly in the construction industry and help contractors, architects, and engineers with their social competence and “soft” skills.  But there is nothing soft about these skills.  They are essential for success in life and work.  Is there a tough guy in your life?

 

Here are the top 10 Tough Guy Tips for knocking off the rough edges and becoming better with communication and relationships:

1.  Avoid the use of I and me in your conversations.  This forces you to make it all about the other person.

2.  Avoid starting questions with the word “why”.  It sounds like an interrogation, and the other person will likely be put on the defensive.  Find a way to ask the same question with the other reporter questions:  what, where, when, how.  And “What the hell were you thinking?” doesn’t count.

3.  Smile.  I know it’s tough.  But it puts people at ease and opens them up.  It also reduces your stress.

4.  It’s not about the information.  It’s about making a connection with others.  Instead of a transaction, try to create a positive emotional experience.  Whether it is your spouse, your kids, or the person at the grocery store, this makes your encounters with others much more meaningful.

5.  Try this empathy exercise:  Get rid of the kids for a while, sit your spouse down and ask them to tell you about their day.  You can’t offer any suggestions, comments, or criticisms.  You can’t tell them what they should have done.  All you have to do is listen and try to determine what emotions they were feeling throughout their day.  And that is the only comment you can offer:  “That must have made you feel . . . ”

6.  An old man told me before my wedding a sage piece of advice:  “You can be right or you can be happy.  And the choice is yours.”  Think about this one.

7.  Whenever anyone gives you advice or a comment or criticism, just say thanks.  Nothing else.  Just thanks.

8.  Build in personal reflection time EVERY DAY!  This can be prayer time, meditation time, quiet time, vision time or whatever you want to call it.  It doesn’t have to be long, but it has to be consistent.

9.  Lighten up.  Don’t take things so seriously.  This too shall pass.  In the movie Stripes, there is a soldier who tells everyone he will kill them for any minor infraction.  The Sergeant tells him,  “Lighten up, Francis!”

10.  Spend more time with your spouse, kids, and pets.  Check in with them often.  Don’t sacrifice you or your family for work.  Remember, when most people are on your death bed, they rarely if ever say, “Gosh, I wish I could have worked a little more!”

There will be more tough guy tips to come.  And tough guys, once they get it, really do make the positive changes in their lives.  So for all of those with tough guys in their lives, hang in there!

 


Team Transformation: Use Your Social Connections to Create Lasting Change

March 26, 2015

Man changing his mood

“When we are no longer able to change a situation – we are challenged to change ourselves.” Viktor E. Frankl

Check out the book, Change Anything by 5 different people.  It’s an empirical study of how people create change.  What are the factors involved?  They narrowed it down to three:

1.  Personal

2.  Environmental

3.  Social

Each one has a  motivational component and an ability component.  You have to be motivated to change, then attain the ability to do so.  You have to take personal responsibility. Jesus asked one person, “Do you want to be healed?”  Then you have to create the environment for change.  Don’t buy a bunch of snacks at the grocery store and think that you can use your will power to not eat them.  The last part, and I think likely the most important part, is the social aspect of change.  Let people in your life know what you are trying to do.  Build in the accountability, connection, and encouragement.  We have found that we get much better results with groups than we do with individuals.

We work not only with emotional intelligence, but mental and physical peak performance.  It all works together to create amazing, lasting changes personally and professionally.  One recent group of 21 top leaders lost over 200 pounds as a group and significantly increased their emotional competence, especially their interpersonal skills.

A couple of the guys decided to bring their family in on the fun.  As a family, they decided on some goals and put them into a spread sheet. One of the guys called it The Family Smackdown.  It was a competition.  The family members who did the most activities over an eight week period won cash prizes.

The items were:

Sleep (7 hours)

Water (8 glasses)

No sugar

No junk food

Fruits and vegetables (2 servings each)

Journal

Scriptures (15 minutes) and two prayers

No eating after 9 pm

Act of kindness

It energized the family and helped the participant and his family members to make those positive changes.  And these initiatives tend to linger long after the end of the program.

There is a friend of mine on Facebook who I have known for 30 years.  One day, she put on Facebook that she was going to start walking.  She wrote every single day after she finished her morning walk and created quite a following.  Some days, there were more than 50 comments, encouraging her and reinforcing that behavior.  And she kept walking.  At the one year mark, there were over dozens of people who commented on her status, encouraging her and congratulating her.  One person gave her a very expensive pair of walking shoes as a gift for making the one year mark.  She lost a lot of weight and her outlook has totally changed.  She now helps to plan reunions and travels with a group of women she reconnected with on Facebook.  Would she have attained these results without that social aspect?  Perhaps.  But it is a powerful testament to adding the social into any change endeavor that you have.  She has inspired many others to walk.  And another friend who has encouraged her has put on Facebook that he is going to quit smoking.

Change is hard.  Period.  And we need all the help and encouragement we can get.  So accept the personal responsibility, create that environment for change, and get as many people in on the process as possible!