12 Steps to Great Relationships: Step 8: The Second Encounter

For details on all of the previous steps, look at previous blogs. Step 1:  Know yourself. Step 2:  Develop a genuine love or acceptance of yourself. Step 3:  Expand your knowledge. Step 4:  Appreciate the differences.  Get perspectives on different values and cultures.  Step 5 is to be open, genuine, and positive. Step 6 is to develop a genuine love or at least acceptance of other people.  Step 7 is to pay attention to the first five seconds.

Step 8 is to pay attention to the second encounter.

First of all, you are going to remember their name. They will likely not remember yours, so that gives you an advantage. Introduce yourself so they won’t be embarrassed about not remembering your name. Then, talk about them. Let them know that you remember them and those pertinent facts. You may need to refer to your phone and the contact information. That’s okay. Then ask some good leading questions and let them talk. Find out even more about them. And when you gather more information, put it into your contact database. You can also put the time and place of this second meeting. Don’t ever think that you will remember these details. Just document it.

Find the common threads with this person. With expanded knowledge, you can find common threads with just about anyone. The second encounter is perfect for exploring those things that you might have in common. Again, ask those questions and let them know that you know something about the things that are important to them. You don’t have to agree with everything that they value or find important. The main thing is to let them know that you have some kind of connection with them. For some people, this may be difficult, but if you are persistent, you will find something.

If you want more information on the 12 steps to great relationships, click here: http://www.amazon.com/Relationship-Skills-Tough-Brent-Darnell/dp/0979925827/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1326056211&sr=8-1

And for all Amazon Prime members, you can borrow the Kindle edition for FREE!

Look for step 9 soon!

What is your EQ? Take the FREE Mini Emotional Intelligence Test and Download the Workbook to Create Development Plans

First of all, Happy Valentine’s Day.  Have you ever wondered about how people create those connections?  In my business, I measure and improve social competence.  So it is a very appropriate subject for Valentine’s Day.

Yes.  It really is free.  No strings attached.  Just go to my website at www.brentdarnell.com, click on the download center, register and create a profile, and download away.  The Mini EI is self scoring and will give you some clues as to behavior and performance and how people perceive you.  The workbook will take you through an analysis and process to create development plans on the areas you want to develop.

But let’s back up a minute.  What is EQ?  It’s your emotional quotient or your level of social competence.  It’s similar to your IQ, but it’s not how smart you are.  It’s how well you identify, handle, process, and use your emotions for yourself and with your daily interactions with others.  It’s like the iceberg above.  Your IQ is the top part, but your EQ is the part below the surface, your inner workings, if you will. Another good analogy I have heard is that IQ is the bicycle tires, but your EQ is the handle bars.

EQ is important for your success in life and work.   If you can truly know yourself and your inner workings, you are much more capable in an situation.  You have better relationships, you can better motivate and persuade others.  You have a greater sense of well being and what it takes to manage your life.

If you want to know more, there are also some great articles and videos in the download center.  Check them out.  And I am here if you need any further clarification.  Keep in mind, when you score the mini EI test, the interpretations listed are how people may perceive you, not who you are.  The question becomes, “Do I want them to perceive me that way?”  And if you don’t you can work on specific emotional competencies that will shift behavior and create a different impression.

If you want more background on this work with EI, check out The People Profit Connection, How Emotional Intelligence Can Maximize People Skills and Maximize Your Profits.  It was written specifically for the construction industry, but it is applicable for all technical fields.  http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0979925800/ref=s9_simh_gw_p14_d6_g14_i1?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=04QVCJ3XM56QQ6G9MR9P&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=470938631&pf_rd_i=507846

I wish you the very best in your journey to improve your EQ!

12 Steps to Great Relationships: Step 7: The First Five Seconds

For details on all of the previous steps, look at previous blogs. Step 1:  Know yourself. Step 2:  Develop a genuine love or acceptance of yourself. Step 3:  Expand your knowledge. Step 4:  Appreciate the differences.  Get perspectives on different values and cultures.  Step 5 is to be open, genuine, and positive. Step 6 is to develop a genuine love or at least acceptance of other people.

Step 7 is to pay attention to the first five seconds.  What are you supposed to do during the introduction? How should you act? Is it really that important? According to numerous studies, that first impression is vital. In the first few seconds, people will judge your intelligence, your socio-economic status, if you are a good person or not, whether or not they like you, and if you are successful or not. We utilize a process in our brain known as the adaptive unconscious. It allows us to do something called thin slicing. Malcolm Gladwell talks about this in his book, Blink. A study was done with a college professor. They asked students to rate his teaching ability after watching three fifteen second videos of him teaching. They rated the professor the same as the students who spent a semester with him. Then, they cut the video clips down to five seconds. The results were the same. The point is, we can determine an awful lot with a minimum amount of information. This is very good for most things. The downside to this ability is stereotyping. First impressions aren’t always right. And you can always overcome poor first impressions, but why should you have to?

We do an exercise where I introduce myself several different ways and then ask the group to write down their impressions of me. It’s amazing the assumptions they make based on a two second encounter. But they do. They will say that I am arrogant, incompetent, shy, mean, angry, or whatever they perceive for that particular introduction. The last introduction is a normal introduction where I relax, smile, make eye contact and use a nice, firm handshake. So let me ask you. What first impression do you create when you meet someone? And if you don’t know the answer to that question, you should definitely find out.

When you are going into a situation where you will be introducing yourself, be deliberate about what you are conveying. Be relaxed, open, smiling, and calm. Make good eye contact and give a nice, firm handshake. Slow your mind down and be prepared to listen for the person’s name. It’s called “original awareness”. You can’t remember anything that you are not aware of. Be deliberate in your quest to remember the person’s name. Repeat it, write it down, write down a short, physical description, whatever it takes to remember their name.
Many people say that they remember the face, but can’t recall the name. So the trick is to associate the face with the name. Whenever I meet someone named John, I think of John the Baptist. I picture their chopped off head on a silver platter with blood and veins below it. When I see them, the name John automatically pops into my head.

You can remember names by making these ridiculous associations. If you know someone with that same name, picture the two people together with a ridiculous visual image. If you want to be really adept at remembering names, get The Memory Book by Jerry Lucas. There is an entire chapter devoted to remembering names. I have recently been made aware of a phenomenon that affects a small percentage of the population. It’s called face blindness. These people have a cognitive disconnect that doesn’t allow them to remember faces, even people they know well.

I was giving an introduction to emotional intelligence to a group of forty geotechnical engineers. They all filed into a large warehouse for a dinner the night before our day of work together. There was also a speaker and two caterers from a local Mexican restaurant. Everyone introduced themselves to me. At the end of the night, I asked them if they wanted a preview for tomorrow. I asked them if they knew everyone there. Since they were from several different offices, they did not. So I introduced all forty people. I also introduced the speaker and the two guys from the Mexican restaurant. They were very impressed, and it created more work for me with their company. Believe me, you can do this. I’m not particularly smart, and I don’t have a photographic memory. It’s just a little technique and a lot of practice.

At these networking events, people usually give you their business card. Don’t be too quick to shove it in your pocket. In Asian cultures, the business card represents the person, so you should never write on it or put it in your pocket. They will give you their business card with both hands usually with a slight bow. They will scrutinize your card and usually make a comment on it. I’m not sure that you have to bow, but I think it makes a great impression to actually read the card and make a comment on it.

During that short encounter, find out as much as you can about that person. Is he married? Does he have kids? What are his hobbies? What school did he go to? Then, write down some of these factoids, and later, put it into your contact database. Also, put down when and where you met him and any other pertinent facts. How many contacts do you have in your database right now that you have no idea who the person is?

Whenever you are in conversation with a person, be fully engaged and mindful of the person who is in front of you. They are the only person in the world as far as you are concerned. Don’t look at your watch or your computer screen or your Blackberry. Don’t be distracted. Be with them fully. For a coffee or lunch meeting, you may want to say to them that you are turning your phone off so you won’t be interrupted. Put your laser beam focus on them. Make them feel important and valued. Make them believe that you are genuinely interested in them and what they have to say. This may be difficult with some people, but even with those difficult people, practice

If you want more information on the 12 steps to great relationships, click here: http://www.amazon.com/Relationship-Skills-Tough-Brent-Darnell/dp/0979925827/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1326056211&sr=8-1

And for all Amazon Prime members, you can borrow the Kindle edition for FREE!

Look for step 8 soon!

12 Steps to Great Relationships: Step 6: Develop a genuine love or at least acceptance of other people

For details on all of the previous steps, look at previous blogs. Step 1:  Know yourself. Step 2:  Develop a genuine love or acceptance of yourself. Step 3:  Expand your knowledge. Step 4:  Appreciate the differences.  Get perspectives on different values and cultures.  Step 5 is to be open, genuine, and positive.

Accept others with all of their limitations. This can be difficult. But once you accept yourself, it’s much easier. I know there are a lot of difficult people out there. There are people you probably consider to be stupid, arrogant, contrary, negative, or full of angst. It’s those people who need acceptance the most. Give them that grace. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Expect the best from them. You will be greatly amazed at how your attitude will affect theirs. When you come across these difficult people, think of them as your teacher. They will teach you how to establish great relationships with any person in any situation. Also, their annoying behavior becomes less annoying.   This is one of those things that is much easier to say than to do.  But there is a real freedom in acceptance.  You will find that you have a much greater sense of well-being.  In addition, you will find that other people will more readily accept you with all of your limitations.  And that becomes a magical thing.

When you come across those difficult people, try this method developed by a man named Marshall Rosenberg.  It’s called Nonviolent Communication. There are four steps:
1.  Observe without judgment. Be objective and evaluate the situation.  2.  Notice your feelings. Check in with yourself.  3.  Identify needs, both yours and theirs. What are you both trying to attain? 4.  Make a request. Tell them what you want, taking into account their needs as well.  This is a simple and powerful way to diffuse difficult situations, but it takes practice. Try it!

If you want more information on the 12 steps to great relationships, click here: http://www.amazon.com/Relationship-Skills-Tough-Brent-Darnell/dp/0979925827/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1326056211&sr=8-1

And for all Amazon Prime members, you can borrow the Kindle edition for FREE!

Look for step 7 soon!

How To Get Your Book Out of Your Head and Into the World

Publishing a book seems daunting.  But a published book helps with speaking, teaching, and establishing your credibility.  And the world of publishing is changing.  The traditional route of submitting your book to an agent and/or publisher and letting them bestow grace on you to publish your book is long gone.  I had some publishers interested in my book, and they wanted to pay me in the range of five to ten percent.  ”So what do I get for that?”, I naively asked.  They said, “Nothing.”  They do no promotion, no advertising, no book tours.  They just do a run and put it into bookstores.  When is the last time you bought a book at a bookstore?  So they make 90% off your blood, sweat, and tears.  It didn’t seem fair.  That has all changed.  Self publishing used to be reserved for little old ladies writing their poetry books.  Not any more.  The stigma of self publishing is gone.  If you produce a high quality book, no one cares how it is produced.  Many famous authors are going the self publishing and publish on demand route.

So with that in mind, I entered the world of self publishing and publishing on demand (POD).  Let me tell you how it works:

Step one:  Write the book. Can’t really help you here.  You do actually have to write the book.  I meet people all the time who say they have a book.  I ask them the title and how can I buy it so I can read it.  Then, they put their finger to their temple and reply, “It’s right here.”  Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but if it’s in your head, it’s not a book.  There are many good books on writing out there.  To be a writer, it’s sort of like being anything else.  You have to actually write.  When I write, I write 12 to 20 hours a day for a long weekend.  It just kind of pours out of me.  If I’m having trouble, I let it cook some more in my subconscious.  Find out how you write and write that book!

Step 2:  Design:  Once the book is written, then you have to get it put into a book format.  I highly recommend a guy named Tudor Maier.  He is very talented and is not expensive.  He designed all of my book covers.  Search for G. Brent Darnell on amazon to take a look.  His email is maiertudor@yahoo.com.  But there are many ways to do this as well.  Post your book on elance.com and let folks bid on your book design.  That’s how I found Tudor.

Step 3:  Publish:  Now enter the world of Publish on Demand (POD).  I chose Lightning Source from Tudor’s recommendation.  He said that Lightning Source had the best quality.  You sign a pretty scary contract and set yourself up as a publisher.  After that, you upload your book onto their website.  They do a proof which you can view online.  This process costs a few hundred dollars depending on the book size.  Once you approve that, they will upload to many online websites including Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and dozens of other sites all over the world.  You give these online booksellers a wholesale price of 20% less than the list price.  Lightning Source takes around 25% for the printing costs depending on the book size.  So you are making around 55-60% on your book instead of 5-10% that a publisher would have given you.

Then, when someone places an order for your book, Lightning Source fills the order.  They have publishing arms in Tennessee to cover the Americas, in the UK to cover Europe and Africa, and in Australia to cover Asia.  So no matter where your order is placed anywhere in the world, they fill it.  Then, they cut you a check once a month for whatever you have sold.  There is a 90 day lag on release of publisher funds, but it’s still a great deal.  You can also order books as the publisher and only pay printing costs.  My book, The People Profit Connection, costs me around $3 each whether I order one or 10,000.  The list price is $14.95, but I can sell them for whatever I want.  I can also ship them directly from Lightning Source to a company or wherever I am speaking or teaching.

In addition, if you want to get into the world of e-publishing it is much the same.  Tudor can translate your books into all of the ebook formats or you can upload your book (in Word format) to Smashwords.  They reformat it to all of the ebook formats and sell it on their website.  Again, they take a small percentage and send you a check.  My ebooks sell for around half of my paperback books.  But keep in mind, you can set any price you want.  There is a woman on amazon who sold a million copies of her ebook that listed for 99 cents.  Even if amazon got half, you do the math.

Then, marketing books is easier now with social networks and the internet.  Give people copies of your book in exchange for a review on amazon.  Check out my reviews on The People Profit Connection on Amazon.  Peer reviews are the most powerful way to convince someone to buy your book.  Also, always do the “look inside the book” feature.  People are much more likely to purchase if they can look inside.  I have a Facebook page set up for each book and I have asked folks to “like” it.  When you get a good review, tweet and post it on your social networks.  Blog on the subject in your book and direct folks to the web pages where they can browse and buy.  Whenever you speak or teach, let people know about your books.  Offer to speak for less or free if they buy books for everyone or allow you to sell books before or after the speech.

So there it is.  It’s not hard.  You just have to do it.

I wish you the best with your publishing.

By the way, my book, The People Profit Connection (audio or pdf) is available for a free download from my website until February 1st!  So hurry!  www.brentdarnell.com , click on the download center, register and create a profile, and download away.

What an Honor! Top 25 Newsmaker in Engineering News Record for 2011

I have recently been named as one of the top 25 Newsmakers for 2011 by Engineering News Record (ENR) magazine.  This is the largestl publication for the construction industry, and I am humbled and honored to be on the list with 24 very distinguished honorees.  I want to thank my wife, Andrea, who now is my partner in these leadership programs.  Also, Kate Cannon, my EI mentor.  Also, to all of the companies and participants who have embraced this work with emotional intelligence, I give my sincere thanks.  I have learned much more from you than you have learned from these programs.

My mission statement is to help transform the construction/engineering industry.  We must find a different way of working.  The industry cannot sustain itself with this present business model and culture.  It is my fervent hope that we can find a better way to work together, to be more collaborative, to strive to bring the human element into everything we do.  And, as a result, my gut feeling tells me that the business end of that equation will create much more profit for all concerned.

Here is an excerpt from my book, The People Profit Connection, written specifically for the construction industry.  I think it sums it up pretty well:

“If companies begin to realize that people are their most precious resource, if they are willing to take a chance and use this incredible tool called emotional intelligence, they will begin to hire the right people, nurture them, promote their personal development, give them direction for their careers, plan for succession, decrease turnover rates, and increase retention. In addition, this will facilitate increased customer service, teamwork, and productivity. In turn, accidents, stress, and burnout will decrease. Their employees will be healthier, happier, and more productive. Companies that embrace this work will improve the industry image so that young people will flock to our ranks, and our sons and daughters will carry on this proud tradition of contracting. What’s the alternative? If we let things continue as they are, the industry may be in trouble. Our inaction could cripple construction, but our focus on people will lead us to lasting solutions.”

See the article from Engineering News Record here:

http://enr.construction.com/people/awards/2012/0123-The-Top-25-Newsmakers.asp

12 Steps to Great Relationships: Step 5, Be Open, Genuine, and Positive

For details on all of the previous steps, look at previous blogs. Step 1:  Know yourself. Step 2:  Develop a genuine love or acceptance of yourself. Step 3:  Expand your knowledge. Step 4:  Appreciate the differences.  Get perspectives on different values and cultures.  This goes for gender differences as well.

Step 5 is to be open, genuine, and positive.  And make no mistake. It is a choice.

Take a look at the two photos above.  The one on the top is a facial expression that I see often.  I work with technical folks and most of them have a neutral face at best, and some have faces that are downright angry looking.  If you have a face like the one on the left, the person you meet will fill in the blanks.  They will assume that you are angry, disinterested, dismissive, or bored.  They won’t feel pulled in and trusted by you.  But with the face on the right, there are no assumptions.  The face is open, genuine, and positive.  You are pulled in right away.  This initial impression is vital and most of the time completely overlooked.  What does your face convey when you meet someone?  More importantly, what does your face convey when you aren’t thinking about anything in particular?  And if you don’t know the answer to that, I would highly recommend that you find out.

What is your default style with people?  How do you make them feel?  Remember, people won’t remember what you said or how you said it, but they will always remember how you made them feel.  Are you creating a positive emotional experience for them?  Or is it just a cold transaction.  It is a choice, and you can be better at this with a little practice and self awareness.  Give it a shot and see how people react differently to you based on what you are giving to them.

If you want more information on the 12 steps to great relationships, click here: http://www.amazon.com/Relationship-Skills-Tough-Brent-Darnell/dp/0979925827/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1326056211&sr=8-1

And for all Amazon Prime members, you can borrow the Kindle edition for FREE!

Look for step 6 soon!

12 Steps to Great Relationships: Step Four, Appreciate the Differences

For details on all of the previous steps, look at previous blogs.

Step 1:  Know yourself.

Step 2:  Develop a genuine love or acceptance of yourself.

Step 3:  Expand your knowledge.

Step 4:  Appreciate the differences.  Get perspectives on different values and cultures.  This goes for gender differences as well.

Learn about and appreciate the differences while emphasizing the similarities. When it comes down to it, we are all human beings who have a need to love and be loved. Find that common connection. For some difficult people your only connection may be that you are both carbon-based life forms. If you can travel more, this is like getting a PhD in relationships. Find out about different cultures, food, art, music, dance, and language. Learn a language if you can. Learn about cultural differences with greetings, meetings, social situations, and business situations. There are thousands of books on cultural differences.

Also, learn about gender differences and how men and women approach things differently. I recently went on a yoga retreat that was organized by Helen, a friend of mine. To my shock and pleasant surprise, out of 35 participants, I was the only male. This was a big learning experience for me. The first night, everyone met for dinner. Keep in mind that no one knew each other. Now I had been to these first night dinners with groups of men. The first night with a group of men, you will see the following: All of the men will talk about their position at work, what they do, and what monumental projects or concerns they’ve been involved with. They tend to boast about their successes and retell stories of how they overcame difficulties. They have all been on the worst project ever built. There is a hierarchy established from the outset. There is a pecking order. Men connect with manly hobbies like sports, hunting, fishing, and motorcycles.

The experience with the group of women was completely different. The first question out of every woman’s mouth was, “How do you know Helen?” They wanted to how I came to be there. They wanted to know how I fit in with everyone else. What was my connection with Helen? Immediately they tried to establish those connections and networks. Connections and group harmony are paramount to many groups of women. Most of the time, there are no hierarchies established. Everyone is made to participate and feel as if they are part of the group. I think this goes back to childhood. Little boys play games like king of the hill and follow the leader. Little girls play more collaborative games. And if there is a girl who wants to take over and be the leader, she is shunned from the group for being “too bossy”.
It doesn’t matter of you are a man or a woman. Take note. When you know about these dynamics and make an effort to understand these differences, you will be able to create connections with anyone in any situation and establish great relationships.

If you want more information on the 12 steps to great relationships, click here:

http://www.amazon.com/Relationship-Skills-Tough-Brent-Darnell/dp/0979925827/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1326056211&sr=8-1

And for all Amazon Prime members, the Kindle download is FREE!

12 Steps to Great Relationships: Step Three, Expand Your Knowledge

The first step to great relationships is to know yourself.  The second step is to develop a genuine love or at least acceptance of yourself.  The third step is to expand your knowledge.

I work with a lot of technical folks.  They have a knowledge base that is usually an inch wide and a mile deep.  That is to say, they know a lot about a narrow range of subjects.  I encourage them to make their knowledge base a mile wide and an inch deep.  In other words, try to find out a little bit about a lot of different things.  That way, you will feel comfortable in just about any situation.  You will put others at ease because you will be able to carry on a decent conversation with them about what is important to them.  And you always have an out.  What if you come across someone who is passionate about something you know nothing about, say, curling.  What a great opportunity!  You can tell them that you know nothing about curling and ask them to please explain it to you.  Ask them specifics such as, “Why do the use those little brooms?”  You will find that it doesn’t matter that you know nothing about curling.  The important thing is that you are showing an interest in what is important to them.

With Google, you can become an expert in any subject overnight, so there is no reason not to do it when it is called for.  If you know someone is passionate about a sport, a country, a team, or any subject, Google it and find out something about it.  Don’t be caught off guard ever again.  And remember your out.

If you want more information on the 12 steps to great relationships, click here:

http://www.amazon.com/Relationship-Skills-Tough-Brent-Darnell/dp/0979925827/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1326056211&sr=8-1

And for all Amazon Prime members, the Kindle download is FREE!

12 Steps to Great Relationships: Step Two, Self Love

The first step to great relationships is to know yourself.  As difficult as that is, the second step may be even more difficult.  You must develop a genuine love or at least acceptance of yourself.  This can be very hard for many people.  We talked in previous blogs about how emotions create energy and energy affects outcomes.  When you dislike yourself, you create an energy that tells others to stay away.

Let me give you a very practical example.  Remember back in your dating days when you were desperate for the company of a particular individual?  And they didn’t want anything to do with you?  That desperation and self flagellation created an energy that made them not want to pursue anything with you.

Then, when you started dating someone else, what happened?  That person you so desired, who wouldn’t give you the time of day, is suddenly interested in you.  What happened?  Did they change?  Or did you change?  When you started dating someone, your confidence level likely went up, your self love went up, and you created an energy that made that person want to be with you.

If you can’t get to love, you can always accept yourself with all of your shortcomings.   Once you have this self love or self acceptance down, you will find that people will be drawn to you.

If you want more information on the 12 steps to great relationships, click here:

http://www.amazon.com/Relationship-Skills-Tough-Brent-Darnell/dp/0979925827/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1326056211&sr=8-1

And for all Amazon Prime members, the Kindle download is FREE!